January 9th, 2019: Transcendent fairness.

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[ main astrological events mentioned: The first eclipse of 2019, the moon at 15 deg Capricorn. ]

We had quite the storm with the new moon/lunar eclipse in Capricorn that occurred on the 5th of this months, I thought I won’t get past it alive as the numbness was all over my head, I couldn’t feel like I am normally living life as everything around me felt like a floaty dream.

I mean come on the new moon conjunct the weirdest two planets in my natal chart, as an Aquarius (Venus, Saturn), I am familiar with the energies of this planet but Neptune… Neptune was the straw that broke the camel’s back to being honest.. as I have been abstaining from using any painkillers for more than a month, the whole vibe of that moon was as if I had one too many painkillers… so as I was enjoying my floaty mood obnoxiously, the whole world was chanting for a little girl that left her country, calling her names and some support her act, to me I was a little bit too calculated, I asked what if I was her, what would I do and to where would like to go. My family will flip, my death would be closer than ever, but would it matter, the first thought was will it be Ireland? or would I go where I don’t decide, let destiny guide me the way it did in late 2016 and late 2017.

The outrage over a runner is such a funny thing, it made me call out on all the fairness and compare, no one can be fair but we at least try, punish all people equally regardless of who or what they are. Sometime for us to think of privileges we repeat the following sentence: “I wish I was a guy” with external extra skin instead of internal one, I never wished it cause I loved being who I am, with all the flaws, gender with privileges isn’t going to make me feel as comfortable as I am, so why the fuss with wishing such.

It was all the result of years of a trust fading away between two genders, one has to establish a powerful move to conceal insecurity, and to maintain such act they had to bully each other into being powerful. I don’t trust the history books anymore but if you looked at it broadly you’ll see the bigger picture, the women were always fucked over the years regardless of geographical area they lived in.

REMINDER:
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat, or a prostitute.” Rebecca West

December 29th, 2018: understaffed burdens.

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I have been hermiting for the past few months, felt like an entire decade… I have had a couple of medical procedures/surgeries done, none of 2018 goals was met but I’ve done others so that makeup for it.

I have started learning Spanish for real last month but I stopped cause I didn’t care about why I was doing it, two weeks into applying for the scholarship and my application got rejected.. truth is to my only reaction was a laugh! my heart was broken last year and now I am all numbed out about it. I was looking for a job and no one is gutsy yet to hire an opinionated woman like myself! not being hired immediately is something I am grateful for cause I never learned the art of being rejected, but now, I am a master in such a thing.

My life is dull af, no one is interested in what I say or do, cause it is either forbidden religiously yet they are dying to know, or the language barriers are too high for me to break them. I found my people and I am yet to get to them.

I always overwhelm myself with lists to be finished, things to be done, people to be with, and expectations to be met. I burn myself with everything cause I always tend to go to the extreme, but this year I just existed for the sake of doing nothing, I see people updating their linked account with accomplishments, tweeting about amazing experiences, or posting pictures of whatever they are doing. I taught myself not to care and compare.

I visualised where I would find myself “someday”, and if that won’t happen I wouldn’t care either. I’ll try to live in the moment hoping for what I know I deserve and that’s doesn’t have to check the list of what people expect from me. It is hard to do that… I quit writing for the past 4 months for that cause my brain isn’t bothering itself to critically think about anything.

I crowned myself with being a lazy person for a year, and I was bragging about it. I feel free for the first time, free of burdens! and it feels so good.

REMINDER:
I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” Charlotte Brontë

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In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.” Albert Camus

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In a fixed mindset students believe their basic abilities, their intelligence, their talents, are just fixed traits. They have a certain amount and that’s that, and then their goal becomes to look smart all the time and never look dumb. In a growth mindset students understand that their talents and abilities can be developed through effort, good teaching and persistence. They don’t necessarily think everyone’s the same or anyone can be Einstein, but they believe everyone can get smarter if they work at it.” Carol Dwek

The Floor Scrapers, by Gustave Caillebotte

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”
Paulo Coelho